If I Stand...

Well, apparently I’ve begun to witness at work.  It kinda just happened.  I’ve always wanted to have opportunities to witness to patients, but I’m usually moving way to quickly to sit down and have an important non-medicine related conversation.  I’m fairly decent at answering questions if someone else starts the conversation, but I have a difficult time getting the ball rolling myself.  (I’m working at a catholic hospital, so it’s totally legal for me to be witnessing as much as I want.)  

Encounter #1 was all Dr. N’s fault.  (Dr. N is one of those totally awesome old world Christians who was born in Jerusalem and spiritually matured through literal fire.) One of the other students (L) and I have been in a prickly situation this past week.  We both applied for the same dream job.  I was told by the doctor in charge that I had been given the job, but then the doctors continued to interview other people and have failed to give me or L any straight answers this week.  Yesterday we were both majorly on edge, and I kind of wanted to claw her or someone elses eyes out.  No I was not actually acting poorly toward her or speaking to her in any way other than pleasant, but Dr. N knew we might have been on the verge of a chick fight.  Dr. N sat us both down and made us read Matthew 6.  (I have a Bible on my iPod).  That’s the section where Jesus says “don’t worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself”.  I kinda started to hang my head sheepishly because this is a concept that I have dug into quite deeply on my own, and should know better by now.  L has a catholic background, but it sounds like she hasn’t read the Bible much.  She started rattling off a whole bunch of questions at us.  I was kind of dumbfounded for a minute, but Dr. N fielded her questions like a champ.  At one point, Dr. N asked her “why have you never before tried to learn about the Bible?”  L’s response was “what is more important, ‘knowing it’ or being a good person?”  Suddenly I was like “oh, this is where I come in.”  To summarize my response, I said something along the lines of “if being a good person was the important part, Jesus would not have had to die for us.  You need to know some of the Bible before you’ll truly get a good grasp on that.”  It was pretty cool that I was able to go from wanting to claw the girls eyes out to wanting to share the gospel with her.  We’re not feeling like chick fighting any more :)

Encounter #2 was all God’s fault.  He didn’t use any other vessel to get at me today.  Without breaking HIPPA violation, I’ll just say that this week I’ve had a patient that has been dealing with severe chronic pain.  His pain controls his life.  The only escape that he has found from the pain tends to damage the rest of him, and tends to control his life even more than the pain.  He needs to break free from this escape mechanism or he is going to kill himself.  Again, this guy is catholic.  I talked to him a long time today.  Suddenly, without planning to, I asked him “do you believe in God?”  He said yes.  I said “he can give you the strength you need, you know?”  He said he knew.  Then he asked “what made you ask that?  Is this because I wouldn’t take communion this morning?”  I said “I didn’t know about that, actually.  But why wouldn’t you take communion?”  He said “because I did some things wrong, and I haven’t gone to confession for them yet, so I didn’t think I deserved communion.”  I said, “well, none of us deserve communion.  You know you can confess your sins to God on your own, right?  You don’t need a priest to do it.  You can confess through prayer, and God will forgive you.”  He said “oh.”  I said, “I just wanted to tell you that God can give you the strength you need right now.  He can comfort you and strengthen you.”  He said, “I know”, and then started to cry a little.  I didn’t mean to make the dude cry.  Gosh I’m so glad I was given that opportunity.  Thank you Lord for speaking to that man through me.  

Holy wow. I forgot what it was like to work in real life or death situations.  This is intense.  I had some ICU patients today.  When I look at them, covered in all their machines that are pumping artificial life into them, I wonder whether there actually is any real life left in them.  I wonder if we are just simply inflating and deflating their skeleton to put on the ruse of a life.  I understand there are specific medical criteria that you use to categorize a person as physically alive or dead, but I often wonder when it is that the soul leaves the body behind—if it occurs before or after we say so.  

I have been finding more and more lately, especially in situations like these, that I haven’t a clue what to pray for.  I am at a loss of intelligent requests.  Do I pray that the person lives?  Not if they are in constant pain.  Do I pray that their pain be taken away?  Not if God is using that pain for a higher purpose—not if them or someone around them is supposed to learn something.  I am completely unqualified to be making any sort of request.  I have no knowledge of the “bigger picture”.  I can’t possibly imagine how this situation is to be used for God’s ultimate plan.  More and more lately, all I can pray is “Your will.”  Your will is best.  There is nothing more to say.  I have no words.  My prayer becomes me just sitting and breathing—trying to just pay attention and live out my part in this little piece of God’s already written story.  

The doctor and fellow PA student that I am currently working with are both Christians.  This morning, the three of us realized that there was absolutely nothing more that we could do for a young dying patient.  There was a moment when the three of us were just standing together staring at the tiles on the floor.  I can’t be sure since I didn’t ask, but I got this very strong feeling that we had all reached that same point at the same time, where we were just breathing our wordless requestless prayers together.  Your will.